Have you ever felt like you’ve had a hard time forming and maintaining relationships? If so, just know you are not alone.
This has been a battle for me for as far back as I can remember. Especially, after I got married.
And, if you took the time to read “My Story” in the about section, this shouldn’t surprise you. When an infant is born to drug addicted parents, and the Bureau of Child Welfare becomes aware, separation between the infant and parent is undeniably approaching. So, instead of leaving the hospital to form what is known as a secure attachment with my parents, I left the hospital with my grandparents. Undeniably the best decision made for my entire life, in retrospect, I can identify this moment as the beginning of my aversion to forming close relationships.
In Psychology I learned there is something called The Attachment Theory. Infants that form secure attachments with their parents strengthen their abilities to focus, be conscious of feelings, and regulate their emotions which gives them the ability to recover from hardships. The bond between an infant and their parents is responsible for shaping a person’s future relationships and how we communicate as adults. Utilizing myself as an example, let’s take a look at what happens when this important relationship is fractured.
Needless to say, I did not form a secure attachment as an infant. It wasn’t until I began pursuing a Master of Social Work with Sacred Heart University (SHU) that I’d make this connection. Until this point, I went my entire life wondering what was wrong with me? A constant prayer of mine was “Lord, why can’t I form intimate relationships?” I am aware this statement might come as a shock to some people because, on the outside and at first glance, I am a naturally welcoming and sociable person. However, my inability to form close relationships, isn’t easily observable. It’s not until a person seeks to form a deeper, more intimate relationship with me that it becomes evident.
I learned that successful adult relationships require each participants ability, and willingness, to do the following:
- Effectively manage stress
- To stay “tuned in” with one another’s emotions
- To use open body language
- A willingness to mutually engage, and
- To be readily forgiving, letting go of grudges
One journal article into my first semester with SHU, solved a thirty-three-year mystery and became an answer to my prayers. My ability to perform numbers 1, 2, 4 & 5 were missing. And because, of my overcompensation on number 3, most people were oblivious to it. There are five attachment styles and depending on which category a person finds themselves will affect their ability to perform the above five tasks and dictate how they approach relationships. I have included them below:
Five attachment styles affect adult characteristics
Secure Attachment style:
- Parental style: Aligned with the child; in tune with the child’s emotions.
- Resulting adult characteristics: Able to create meaningful relationships; empathetic; able to set appropriate boundaries.
Avoidant Attachment style:
- Parental style: Unavailable or rejecting.
- Resulting adult characteristics: Avoids closeness or emotional connection; distant; critical; rigid; intolerant.
Ambivalent Attachment style:
- Parental style: Inconsistent and sometimes intrusive parent communication.
- Resulting adult characteristics: Anxious and insecure; controlling; blaming; erratic; unpredictable; sometimes charming.
Disorganized Attachment style:
- Parental style: Ignored or didn’t see child’s needs; parental behavior was frightening/traumatizing.
- Resulting adult characteristics: Chaotic; insensitive; explosive; abusive; untrusting even while craving security.
Reactive Attachment style:
- Parental style: Extremely unattached or malfunctioning.
- Resulting adult characteristics: Cannot establish positive relationships; often misdiagnosed.
So, how does this relate to my marriage? I’m glad you asked!
My husband had both parents and a stable household growing up. Thus, he would be considered as a person who falls under the Secure Attachment Style. He has little issue trusting people he considers to be close; he likes to discuss feelings and must be the most affectionate man I’ve ever met. Honestly, it drives me crazy at times! Because, I fall into what is described at the Avoidant Attachment Style. I am extremely independent, self-directed, and often uncomfortable with intimacy. Honey, I can rationalize my way out of any intimate situation and when people try to get close to me, they are often met by an invisible wall that protects the potential of my becoming “suffocated.”
At first glance, this is definitely not a match made in Heaven – lol! Trust me, I know. It’s been 12 years. However, learning to be attuned to my husband’s Attachment Theory and picking up on his nonverbal cues has come to help me to feel those times when his need for intimacy (both emotional and physical) is necessary and in doing so communicates to him that he is loved. And likewise, his ability to pick-up on the moments that I require aloneness communicates the same to me.
Learning yours and your partners attachment styles can save many unnecessary arguments and provide you both with a better understanding of each other. I learned that the brain is designed to change in response to experience, and all experience, be it good or bad – has an impact on our brains. I’ve suffered many traumas in life, and the trauma of being an infant immediately separated from my mother might have had more of an impact on me than I’d like to admit. My grandparents were phenomenal care givers, but I will admit as a child I struggled to understand why I couldn’t live with my mother like my siblings did?
And while I often disputed the possibility of this separation having any effect on me at all, my constant struggle in life to make connections, proves differently. If you see a similarity in my story with yours, I encourage you to 1) Research the Attachment Theory and 2) begin digging a little deeper inside yourself (advisedly with the help of a therapist). By doing so better days can be ahead of you.